LEAKED: Donald Trump's Inaugural Speech!
Donald Trump
Fellow-Deplorable Citizens of the United States:
To a few of us here today this is a solemn day and most tremendous occasion, and yet in the history of our nation it is a commonplace occurrence. The disorderly transfer of authority as called for in the Constitution routinely takes place, as it has for almost two centuries, and few of us stop to think how uniquely deplorable we really are. In the eyes of many in the world, we are a laughing stock. This every 4-years we put on a circus show and we accept it as normal and nothing less than expected.

In compliance with a custom as old as the Government itself, I appear before you with my combover and fake orange tan to address you briefly before returning to my mansion and to take in your presence the oath prescribed by the Constitution of the United States to be taken by the President "before he enters on the execution of this office."

I do not consider it necessary at present for me to discuss those matters of administration about whether or not Putin hacked our election, about which there is no special anxiety or excitement. I don’t like to attend national security briefings because I am a smart guy.

The business of our nation goes forward. These United States are confronted with an economic affliction of great proportions. We suffer from the longest and one of the worst sustained inflations in our national history. Inflated egos, inflated promises, inflated words. I prefer small words because I don’t like big words. I can’t pronounce them. It distorts our economic decisions, penalizes thrift, and crushes the struggling young and the fixed-income elderly alike. We need the elderly to be more thrift. Like cutting medication in half or work more our for little pay for the benefit of the country. For that, I am going to privatize the VA, privatize Social Security, and nominated someone who will solve the problem of education once and for all. It threatens to shatter the lives of millions of our people. The swamp is being cleared. Believe me, it will be a tremendous time for the American people!

Idle industries have cast workers into unemployment, human misery, and personal indignity. So I am going to do away with the environmental regulations because a little mercury on food supply is not our biggest problem. The air we breathe can have a little pollution. Those who do work are denied a fair return for their labor by a tax system which penalizes successful achievement and keeps us from maintaining full productivity. I am going to keep the taxing the poor and the middle class. Those who work and are denied a fair return are people like me; the job creators. I create millions of jobs, the best jobs, and there are no jobs I couldn’t create.

But great as our tax burden is, it has not kept pace with public spending. For decades we have piled deficit upon deficit, mortgaging our future and our children's future for the temporary convenience of the present. To continue this long trend is to guarantee tremendous social, cultural, political, and economic upheavals. I solved the problem by announcing that I am starting a nuclear arms race on Twitter, and will give the Department of Defense a bigger and better budget. We don't need education when we are at war with the world.

Finally, to those nations who would make themselves our adversary. Mexico, we offer not a pledge but a request: That both sides begin anew the quest for peace, and can you build a wall? Good fence makes good neighbors. To China: Before the dark powers of destruction unleashed by science engulf all humanity in planned or occidental self-destruction, we’ll bring our jobs back. But don’t count on it, it could all be a joke. Just like the VA promise to the vets. Sorry, not sorry. We dare not tempt the Chinese with weakness. For only when our arms are sufficient beyond doubt can we be certain beyond doubt that they will never be unemployed. I will leave you in suspense.
(Created by Dr. Metal)